Mirror, mirror on the wall... oh no, that is not who I visualized when I was a girl
As any rom-com lover girlie that adored the aesthetic of women working in corporate (vastly overrepresented by women working as writers for magazines), I thought that in my mid-20s, I would get that big project, infuse my personality and quirky spins into it and then, after a few struggles where I have to maxxcharm the stakeholders, I'd get the promotion, my unexpected dream partner and end the chapter with an overcrowded party. As a kid, I did not dream of a big wedding. Simply because my parents never cared to see me married. they were rather afraid I'd choose to be a doctor and sacrifice my mental and social wellbeing to a noble pursuit that would burn me out. But dressing fancy in a big city while hustling for my boss's validation filled the holes my daddy&mommy issues drilled into my ego. I'd been sold on the aesthetics since I was 13 years old. Smart and pretty and financially stable and successful in all aspects of life? And all I have to do is consistently strive to climb an imaginary ladder towards a moving goal post? Sign me up for the waiting list, please.
I am currently writing this while wearing a Patagonia Better Sweater, hiking pants, trail runners, no makeup (but lots of sunscreen!), on the train to France for a bootcamp on deep learning with a bunch of other kids (we are all mid-20s) who want to make the world a tiny bit better by dedicating their careers to AI safety. Working in tech converted my fantasy of wearing heels daily like my mom did for 30 years into the practical realization that I simply like wearing sneakers for work and often sitting with my knees up, in my socks, in the office. The premise of my rom com and corporatist capitalist ambitions turned out to be ... an embittered disappointment. Sure, I could be positive and reframe it as a long journey of trial and error in continuously finding out who I am becoming based on my work experience so far. Turns out, I am an outspoken Gen Z-er who ended up as an ambitious, competent personality hire with slight authority problems, like that time I wrote and printed a 13-page manifesto of all the wrongdoings of my boss and why the company was going to shit when I quit my first job. Corporate ladder and kiss-assing are so not my thing. Hence why I brand myself as a wannabe anarchist at work every time I say in all-hands meetings "all deadlines are fake" or when I friendly-bully my boss for not keeping his promises on his deliveries. Baby steps for now.
Summarizing what I have seen so far, a lot of people show up at work dressed in their own version of the rom com corporate girlie, acting up and torturing others with their performance. My role as a product manager in tech in itself implies lots of theatrics for the opinionated audience aka stakeholders, just to get half of the impact you envisioned for the product and maybe buy some protection and focus time, topped with a bit of purpose for your team. I thought it was supposed to be more about tinkering with ideas that can make the world a better place with the help of tech. Not just another way to break into an oversaturated market where your solution ends up being another dashboard.
I am happy to announce that my corporate girlie dream reversed backwards to just being what I wanted to be when I was 6 yo and knew nothing about capitalism or quarterly reviews: a scientist who makes the world a tiny bit better. I wouldn't say I got sidetracked. I really enjoyed studying Tech Communication Science and HCI. I was curious about people and tech and the interaction in between, and consciously decided that's what I'd spend my academic time discovering and learning about. It led me to be involved with cool things I am surprisingly inclined to be good at and tangentially care about. Like apps for newspapers, conservation open calls for endangered European languages and ... researching how to prevent AI agents from being a bunch of 4-year olds that do not intrinsically understand the consequences of their actions. More about that later. Something that rom coms failed to show is that it is very hard to be impactful when you care about appearances more than the actual product/work. A lesson you gotta live through and wake up fully conscious to realize how rigged the game is.
The truth is, living the appearance instead of doing the work will leave you empty inside. Tech made me sour by training me in bullshit corporate theatrics. Now, AI safety sometimes makes me feel like a bit of a normie for not agreeing with everything to a T and for not being quite anxious enough about x-risks. I am done cosplaying the person I thought I had to become to be perceived as successful. To current me in tech: no, I won't stop being a spoiled brat and fighting people 20 years my senior just to get a promotion. To future me in AIS: no, I won't stop asking questions when the community starts sounding a little too much like one voice. And to my 13-year-old self: you don't need a big project, a cranky vindictive boss and purses where your laptop doesn't fit to be a success. Hell, if you want it and can pull it off, I'll scream "you go girlie, chase your dreams!" It just turned out to be more exciting before I entered the industry.
It took me 4 years of working in the industry to figure out that I was focusing on appearances during the day while pursuing meaning at night. Doing substantial work on something I find meaningful is what finally strung together all the versions of me, past, present and future. Like beads. So I'd rather spend my 40h/week somewhere I feel content with my contributions at least 65% of the time. Hence the pivot to AI safety, and my little 6-year-old dream of being a scientist.
Thank you for your service, rom com corporate girlie aesthetic! You served me well. Now it's time for the ruthless opinionated gremlin who wears heels at conferences because she simply wants to.